The Need to just be. « S. Monica’s Weblog

The Need to just be.

27Jul08

Re-amp the Self.

Lately I have not felt myself. I feel as though I have walked out of my creative atmosphere and into an unknown grayness. I suppose much of it has to do with the sudden move out of my parents house and the lack there of resources to be able to get by. My tendency, is to surround myself in a creative environment - my room, interests I pursue, and even the way I think. For awhile I have felt rather carefree, unable to find motivation because I just do not care. I put myself in this way of thinking in order to remedy the hardships I am having to face out on my own. But, I think this needs to change. I need something to change.

As some of you may know, I am not going to school this coming semester. I have not the money to pay for the expenses and my federal aid form is far from being finished. There was a few complications with the form that allowed for the delay… and now it allowed for the form to not even be finished in time.

So, with that said, I think I am going to pursue a change in my atmosphere. I need to push myself harder.

Self List:

- Pursue interests to a Higher Degree: I need to push my photography to the next level. I have constantly felt as if I were pursuing a dead end; All these ideas and not enough motivation to pursue them. Actually, as of the past week, I have definitely kicked it up a notch, so to speak. I have one shoot with a few dancers (thanks to Miss Haley Bourne), and also some potential head shots for an upcoming model (a.k.a My manager’s Fiance ). I think these shoots will do some good for me. Now the next step.. would be getting my photos out there to the public to see…

Other interests that I have abandoned – Theatre, especially Children’s theatre. I miss it so much. Reading – I have a whole stack of books but have yet picked up one.

- Change My environment: My room in my apartment is like a terrible void. Sometimes I even hate to be in there. I am use to having inspiration all around me in the form of pictures, paint, misc. treasures, and other supplies. I feel blah when I walk in my room, then blah when I walk out. The only real problem in fixing this environment issue, is that I just do not have any money. I am just going to have to start finding a way to make money out of the things I spend the most time doing (photography) or even maybe do what I use to do, and make jewelry or pursue making handmade journals (which I have been wanting to do for a long time). I suppose I need to also enter my short stories into money-making contests…I need to start writing again too. OH goodness me. Do not mind me guys, this blog entry is for my own sake.

-An outlet: I do not really have people who I consider “close”. I need some friends who have just as much pint up creativity and imagination as me to let it out and talk. Some friends to go out and about with …

Anyways. Enough said I suppose.